humour on Arunrocks

The Last Drop on the Planet

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:22:21 +0530

“Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.” – Henry B. Adams

It was a breezy, luminescent and quiet evening in planet Terra. Perhaps too quiet for an eventful day such as this. Perhaps that’s why emperor Kilter ordered a Pan-D911. Soon random bright spots popped all over the planet like an attack of pimples. Soon it smeared itself onto millions of other bright dots turning into something like an attack of rash.

Like a huge tidal wave the dots arose and swiftly spiralled upward into the cloudy magenta skies. With militaristic precision, the dots arranged themselves into concentric rings in space. From Terra, it was a magnificent spectacle. However, it didn’t impress the Queen, Triara. Made of sixty billion nanobots, Triara was by far the most exquisitely complex being in their planet. That meant she was female and extremely attractive, not to mention that she was undoubtedly their Queen. Even though Kilter was called the mighty Emperor and launched vain crusades that displayed his prowess, it was obvious that it was the Queen upon whom the future course of events rested upon. She scoffed at this ostentatious waste of Nino. Nino, being the hydrocarbon fuel, which powered everything on Terra including the nanobots themselves.

In less than a minute, the gigantic aerial structure resembling a football stadium composed of million of individual nanobots was completed. They slowed to a standstill and waited for the grand entry of Kilter. However when Kilter morphed from a giant ball of light to a octopedal being, it wasn’t as dramatic as he would have hoped. That was because most of the nanobots were thinking that the ball of light was simply a huge floodlight for illumination purposes. After an embarrassing pause, the swarm of nanobots erupted into a cheery mechanical drone.

Kilter expressed signs of pleasure and allowed the cheer to take its own sweet time to die down. He loved public appearances. He initiated a multi-channel broadcast with the bots. “Bots, we have assembled here for a historic moment. For the first time in twenty hundred thousand years, we are about the witness the execution of an alien trespasser”. He paused for effect. “As the most intelligent sentient beings in this galaxy, it our foremost duty to protect our planet and our civilisation. From our bitter experiences with other violent life forms we have realised that it only by containing the knowledge of our existence, that we can achieve this.”

“Hence, I am sure you would understand why I ordered the immediate execution of this alien terrorist whom we found under suspicious circumstances. Behold we show you, the vile subject in question”. A beam of light shone into a spherical crystalline sphere. Atop this brightly illuminated sphere was a blue-green algae of microscopic proportions. Triara grew concerned as she observed that it was not half as animated when she had last seen it.

The crowd was becoming increasingly fascinated with this exotic brightly-coloured being. Rumours say that this algae was actually first spotted by the Queen in her last inter-galactic vacation. She found it’s pulsating locomotion so mesmerisingly attractive that she had to have it as her very own pet. Rumours also said that after her vacation, the Queen spent an unhealthy amount of time with her pet that it almost became an obsession of her’s. This annoyed Kilter to no end. His Queen seemed to be excitedly raving about its “simple yet radiant green design”, “organic fluidity” and “long filamental extremities” all day. However, what pushed him over the edge was her secretive plan to build a reproduction chamber to “conserve” her pet. Kilter declared the “pest” as a threat to his, most conveniently, civilisation leading to the current state of affairs.

As Kilter continued his long meandering monologue, back in Terra, the Queen was slowly withdrawing herself into a coccon-like crystalline structure. It was hard to imagine what she was thinking, but it might have been something along the lines of - “this farce has been going on for far too long. Maybe a little competition would do a lot of good”. Slowly the exquisite form seemed to seamlessly blend-in with the hard brownish red rocks of Terra.

“And I hereby declare the alien to be vapourised with a single beam of focused rays until every part of its material being has been vapourised.”, concluded Kilter rather emphatically. Suddenly a bright red laser beam hit the tip of the crystal ball. The swarm broke into a noisy drone as the microscopic algae vaporised almost instantly. In its place, a white puff of vapour slowly rose up.

What happened next few microseconds is a sequence of events, like most major celestial events, that cannot briefly explained nor fully understood. It appears that the Hydrogen clouds that covered most of Terra could become incredibly unstable even with trace amounts of water. In fact, even a drop of water could seed a chain reaction that could transform its entire atmosphere. The algae vaporised by the whim of the Emperor had just the right amount of water to unintentionally change history.

It had been raining quite heavily in Terra for the last several days. The reddish brown rocks looked damp and muddy. Millions of nanobots were scattered lifeless all over the planet. They however didn’t have their characteristic steel-blue colour. Instead, they seemed to be covered in a bluish green fur.

Footnote: Written on the occasion of ‘World Water Day’ (Mar 22). Rather it was an experiment to find out how far one can take the topic of ‘Last Drop’ ;)

Rockstar Soundtrack - First Impressions

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 19:46:21 +0530

Warning: May contain traces of satire and humour

This is, unfortunately, an unpaid review. Hence, most of what’s written here is not made up. This can be very disappointing to some of you who read mainstream media, so please take it slowly. Media is after all a business and a source of bread and butter for many people. And bread and butter is definitely expensive, especially in India.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not the unbiased vigilante blogger. In fact, I tried my best to get paid for this music review. Apparently, Rockstar’s PR was not in a mood to humor a small-time blogger like me. Completely unfair, since being fond of Rehman’s music I would have written a pretty nice review anyways!

So, this review wouldn’t be too nice. Because it is written for free. So Mr. Cheapstakes, you can wipe that mocking smirk off your face. Let’s have a look at Rockstar’s playlist:

Jo Bhi Mein - Mohit Chauhan

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… I can this one sing too. Have to appreciate the sense of humour of the lyricist Irshad Kamil (even better than me in this regard). The album starts with the ‘Rockstar’ yelling ‘Oh yeah, yeah’ and the audience, accepting the challenge, yells it back. This goes back and forth till you can guess who wins in the end (Hint: it’s the guy with the mic).

The song is heavily set on guitar strings and the mimicry abilities of the singer (cost-cutting measures?), while it introduces you to the apparently always-misunderstood-protagonist. You cannot imagine someone better than Mohit rendering this rock-pop composition. The song immerses yourself into a rock concert minus the sweaty t-shirts.

Kateya Karun - Harshdeep Kaur & Sapna Awasthi

Can music tickle your ears till you smile? Yes it can. Listen to this one. Not sure what vodoo music engineering that Rehman employs but the opening of this track is a quirky yet hilarious stereo experience. It is great for testing your new 200 buck earphones and be unjustifiably happy about it too. How do I know that you have cheap earphones? You are reading a free review, aren’t you?

Countless Punjabi Bollywood numbers have been created filled with ‘Ahuns’, ‘Oyes’ and ‘Brrrrraaahs’. So what makes this one different? Glad that you are wondering the same thing as I did. Funny, how that works. I guess it has to do with the innocent naughtiness in the lyrics and an equally fun rendering by Harshdeep.

This song made me wonder why I like Rehman’s music. I realised that it’s because I understand what he is trying to convey through his music. To my musically untrained ears, when he foreshadows the ending of the track with deescalating string chords I anticipate that we are slipping into a dream. Ending on that dreamy note, I believe that the entire song is a roller-coaster ride suited for a coming-of-age situation.

Phir Se Ud Chala - Mohit Chauhan

There he goes up again… well, that’s what the song’s title literally means. I am not sure what he does up there but I guess it’s an occupational hazard with rockstars. They are high up there all the time. So probably that’s what this trippy, trancy song is all about. Not bad for, emmm… those meditative moments.

Saadda Haq - Mohit Chauhan

This the song that screamed from the top of our set-top boxes. The lines that were intentionally strong to create that intentionally strong effect. The song that was set to be the youth anthem. Except it didn’t.

Saadda turned too saada in the wake of dozens of oh-so-anguished-wanna-be rock songs preceded it. Every producer wanted to cash in on the rock-craze, I guess. Hence to the DK-Bose generation the impassioned lyrics might sound a bit… tame? However, it does stand apart from the recent rock ballads with Mohit’s raw energy. Oh yes, there is that signature “Oh yeah” all over again.

Kun Fayakun - A.R.Rahman, Javed Ali & Mohit Chauhan

How many hit sufi-style devotional songs can Rehman create? Unlimited, apparently. Like a crazy fan, we fall completely in love with the soulful music and philosophical lines sung by Rehman and team. BTW, why is Mohit in every song? Is Mohit - the ‘Rockstar’?

Sheher Mein - Mohit Chauhan, Karthik

Enjoyed this parody of a typical dhink-chak Bollywood number complete with a sleazy producer interrupting from time to time. It’s a literal slap in the face by Imtiaz’s team on the crass commercialisation of the music industry that adds masala catering to every demographic, suggestive lyrics for the controversy factor and catchy jingles for higher ringtone sales.

Thoroughly enjoyed the entire track where you can hear a toned-down mushy Mohit, who breaks out in the interludes to his wild raw form. This song would probably show the inner turmoil of a rebel artist bending backwards just to pay his bills. The result is fantastically comical.

Hava Hava - Mohit Chauhan, Viviane, Tanvi, Suvi Suresh, Shalini

Ever happened that you had to listen to a foot-tapping Middle-eastern number with all the cheering and clapping, but never managed to understand a word of why or what they are so happy about? Ever tried to fill-in the words with an imaginary storyline of why they are so happy? Come on, you must definitely have. That’s exactly what is happening in this track.

Beware though, the enthusiasm in this track in highly infectious. When you set to listen to this on your 5.1 home theatre speaker, it’s likely that you would have gotten up and started dancing in Turkish folk steps. Possibly, your neighbour would be also doing the exact same thing.

Aur Ho - Mohit Chauhan, Alma Ferovic

This is a song that takes itself too seriously. It talks of breakups and sadness. Apparently, there is a certain following for such songs. They love the ‘depth of emotions’ in such numbers. Sorry folks, this isn’t really my cuppa here.

Tango For Taj - Theme

Reminding you of the background scores of late-seventies movies like Bobby or even tamil movies like Mouna Raagam, this instrumental score carries an endearing nostalgia about it. However the Turkish dance troupe (whom we met a few songs back) gate-crashes into the party. From then on, as you can guess, it’s all clapping and cheering. Gotta hate their cheeky enthusiasm for that.

Tum Ko - Kavita Subamaniam

Finally! A song without Mohit! I was beginning to wonder if there is one. This is one of those so beautifully rendered female numbers that draws you in completely. Rehman has done this before, most recently, with Sherya’s Mannipaya. In that song, the apology rendered by her is so touching that you end up weeping at her feet, pleading forgiveness. Ok, who was apologising again?

The Dichotomy of Fame - Ft.Balesh on Shehnai, Kabuli on Guitars

A fusion of Indian shehnai, middle-eastern strings and western violins is all I can say. Yes, I am beginning to get lazy with this review thing. Did I mention that I wasn’t paid?

Naadaan Parindey - A.R.Rahman, Mohit Chauhan

A mellowed down rock song where Rehman’s voice is surprisingly soothing.

Tum Ho - Mohit Chauhan, Suzanne D Mello

The male version of Kavitha’s song. Not as exceptionally good, but great for long-drives nonetheless!

The Meeting Place - Ranbir Kapoor

Ok, this is not even a song. I am definitely not reviewing this one!

It’s risky to write about first impressions for Rehman’s creations. His music tends to grow on you on repeated hearings. Time to stop the tape and rewind. Maybe I will change my mind and be nicer.

BTW, you are welcome.

She is my... umm...

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 12:58:40 +0530

The earliest memory I have of Facebook, the social-networking phenomenon, was its innovative relationship status of “It’s complicated”. What did it mean exactly, I used to wonder. Is it committed? No. Is it available? Not really.

Despite the seeming ambiguity, it perfectly described the relationship status of thousands of folks in the current generation. As this transition happened quite rapidly within our friend’s circles, it was bound to happen that someone or the other was not fully in tune with the times.

“Hey, what did you guys do this weekend? Me and Tina went to Kaup beach and it was awesome!”
“Cool! Well, not everybody has a girlfriend like you, man”
“What are you talking about? Tina is not my girlfriend!”

Such conversations alway end in long embarrassing blocks of silence with nobody looking at each other directly. In fact, this guy and Tina have been seeing each other for the past 15 years!

Well, since the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” have been relegated to the late eighteenth century, people have been looking for better terms to describe their complicated-relationship-counterparts.

Sometime during late 2005, the word partner was quite common. “I have phoned my partner that I’ll be late for dinner, so it’s fine”, sounded perfectly fine, then. However the term was felt to be too generic. There are business partners, dancing partner, partners-in-crime etc.

The term went quickly out of fashion due to too many unrelated connotations (nothing to do with 2007 Bollywood film of the same name, however :)). Towards early 2009, the word Significant Other or SO, in short, became more common. This seemed to be a quite satisfactory alternative as it covers any kind of relationship.

So, I guess that’s where we are at now. So don’t be surprised when you ask a couple “How are you guys doing?” and get the answer “We are SO-SO” :)

Endhiran (Robot) Spoilers

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 01:57:19 +0530

I have some semi-informed notions of the Endhiran storyline and even the climax. Don’t worry, the boot-leg copies of the film are not yet out and these are just speculations. However, I have more than 2 decades of film-watching and popcorn-munching experience to back on. My guesses are:

Rajini’s dual roles will be as a scientist and the robot which he will build in his own image.
The robot become ‘self aware’ and will download and assimilate entire Indian history post independence in a scene with jazzy graphics and the camera rotating around the robot Rajini’s face. It will develop stronger moral absolutes compared to the scientist. It will understand through it’s AI brain that the root of India’s problem is… wait for it… Corruption
The scientist realises that his creation has created enemies out of his corporate sponsors who want it to be shut down. He turns ‘villian’.
Meanwhile, Aish the evergreen teeny-bopper develops a crush on the scientist Rajini. However, the scientist being a ‘nerd’ doesn’t have any such feelings towards her.
One fine morning, Aish meets the Robot and mistakes him to be the scientist himself. The robot too develops a special ‘emotional’ attachment towards her. Soon, sparks start flying (… literally).
The robot’s vigilante actions soon attracts national attention and he is feared and praised for his actions. This leads to climax where a major boss-battle with blinding computer graphics take place.
The real climax - Aish later finds out that she was also a robot, which explains her wooden expression throughout (the movie or her entire acting career? ;) ). The mechanical pair live happily ever after.

I can’t wait to see how right/wrong I am ;)

Disclaimer: This post was written purely for humorous purposes. This may or may not reflect the actual plot or storyline. No offence meant to anyone real or imaginary :)

** I have seen the movie now and here is the real review

To the Muggles on the Other side of My Windscreen

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 03:18:51 +0530

This might turn out to be a pedestrian writeup but enough of pile-ups. Enough of puns, actually. They say you really appreciate an interview process only if you have sat on both sides. Same goes for driving. Unless you become a driver you’ll never know what these fancy coloured tin boxes zipping past you are really thinking.

These little nuggets of wisdom are the ones I always wanted to share to my clueless pedestrians. Sometimes, I have wanted to pull down the glass and scream till its drilled down into their thick skulls. But generally speaking, ignorance is bliss. They look so happy without this knowledge. That’s definitely not normal.

So without further ado here are the top things that every person who comes within 100 meters close to a road must know:

Hang-up - I know you love the ones you…ummmm love. But if you are walking close to the road, please do, in the name of Graham Bell, turn off the damn mobile. Unless you want your beloved to hear a live audio of a road accident, it is best to keep a close watch on the road first. I know, I know, you can multitask. But trust me, from a driver’s seat, I have honked at so many mobile-zombies till my hands ache.
Don’t be shy to look at the right direction while crossing - Since you are in India, you know that vehicles come from your right. Yet, so many of us choose to carefully watch your left before leaping to the middle of the road. There might be an oil tanker blaring its horns from your right, an auto squawking endlessly in an annoying tirade and even a friendly pan-walla kaka mouthing obscenities, yet you would be transfixed to your left. I mean, what form of dark physical humour is that? Unless, you have recently completed a very long onsite trip from US or the Middle East, you ought to know that the things with wheels come from your right. No, not that right. The other right.
Don’t cross in an underlit road - It is a long day and you are walking back home with that blessed device on your ear. Streetlights are alternately working and in some places pitch dark. Guess what, in your infinite wisdom, you pick the dark spot to cross the road. The next thing you know, a speeding Honda City missed you completely. Yes, they come with headlights these days. But being seen on the road and not seen, is the difference between life and death.
Don’t dance in front of cars - I know that you know some moves, but tarred roads are not the best dance floors. I am referring to those half-minded pedestrians who cross the road, see an approaching vehicle, pause, then moonwalk, then pause, then move forward, then do an about-turn. Imagine the horror of the guy in that incoming vehicle. He is in a hurry and all he can see is chicken dance. So the advice is - JUST CROSS SLOWLY, the drivers will take care of manoeuvring the vehicles. Don’t be a moving target.
Don’t hold hands - Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against PDAs (not the electronic kind, the kind that couples do). There is a split second difference between a person in the line of an incoming vehicle and outside it. So don’t drag someone along while you cross. Unless the person is a clueless toddler, let that person decide whether to cross or not.
Don’t pretend to be a traffic cop - There are so many not-so-old fellows who have been given the honorary tile of traffic cops… IN THEIR DREAMS. They tend to authoritatively stretch their palms to signal a stop for an incoming vehicle. They also get to decide if they have goofed up and cannot cross, to signal that we should continue driving along. Thanks, but no thanks. You are of no help, but I appreciate the straight face in times of absurdity.

These are the ones I could think of straight off my head. But I am sure there are more. The clueless pedestrian will never cease to amuse me.

At the Fireplace: Blogs in Perspective

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:32:41 +0530

Hi folks, this is your friendly Granpa… It’s a chilly night out there and we’ve a nice warm fireplace inside. So grab your cup of hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a warm blanket and sit next to my armchair.

Back in my good ‘ol days there were lots of people who called themselves Writers. When I say Writers, you might think of bespectacled young chaps hunched over a word-processor, punching out words on their Macbook draped in hand-knitted scarfs and wearing comfy flip-flops. But no, I am talking about good ol’ pen and paper blokes who toiled all day beside a mountain of crumbled paper overflowing from their wastebins. When life was hard and every word was measured and well thought out. Their prose was water-tight and flowed from line to line like a swift arrow of unbroken thought.

There were two kinds of writers, though - Fiction and Non-fiction. The former were always popular. People loved to get trapped in their colorful web of imagination. They would get lost in far-away worlds of fire-breathing dragons or colourful unicorns. But the non-fiction writers had it tough. Every word of their’s was picked on and taken apart. “What is your reference for this?”, the critics would clamour. “Prove your claims”, the technical ones would demand.

Despite all this, the technical writers, the journalists or the biographers wrote volumes and produced great works. In fact, the critical audience made them write impeccable and widely researched bodies of work.

Time rolled by and the Internet happened. Now, don’t get me wrong, Internet wasn’t a bad thing at all. But, soon everyone realised that they could be and later, would be - a Writer. Nobody bothered to label themselves as Fiction or non-Fiction. Both genres would be intermixed in the same, so-called, blog-post in the interest of a greater subscriber base. After all who wants a recital of dry facts. Sprinkle some controversy and hyperboles, mix them well and let’s make merry - was the mantra.

Soon, technical writing was not worth the… err… bandwidth (?) they used up. Hearsay became random tit-bits which became fun-facts and later authoritative references. Nobody, checked the authenticity of what was written or passed around. Eventually, nobody regarded the technical writers as well as they did. Some poor ol' timers like me found it difficult to survive by technical writing alone. So, we switched to better jobs.

“So what did you switch too, Granpa?”, asked the little attentive one with a glint in her eyes.

The Grandpa gave a long sigh and answered with a sour look, “Well, I write jokes for Reader’s Digest”

Please Watch This Space...

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 23:03:56 +0530

Please watch this space for more information….

Of course, after a certain amount time, you will notice a slight flicker in this generous whitespace devoid of any tangible information. Given the time and effort spent in your unwavering gaze, much later, the flicker will multiply into various coloured dots. These dots are a temporary phenomenon called retinal tear.

But please do continue watching the space. Your answer will reveal in a couple of hours when you hear muffled giggles from the corner of your eyes. This means you have kept yourself still long enough to warrant attention from your colleagues. You have become an imminent and potentially future source of subversive humour. Let this insight not detract you from your current task at hand. Please continue watching the space.

The passage of time might seem glacial, but it might have been only a few days elapsed since you embarked on this endeavour. The strange tickling sensations tracing a halo-like pattern around the crown of your head might be cobwebs-in-the-making by some opportunistic spiders. The occasional shrill noises at night might not be the usual crickets after all, but little rats ogling at you. The pithy tch, tch from the ceiling might be the most patient audience of them all, the stunned household lizards. They produce these sounds only when they are amazed at some still life which rival their own stillness, out of pure jealously, obviously. However, the good news is that the worst is probably over. So, please continue watching this space.

In the midst of all this, please do not be surprised, if the prolonged presence of the white’space' burnt a hole on your LCD screen. This is perfectly natural and probably for the better. You will now have the unrestricted viewing pleasure of an actual space right in the middle of your screen. This is a real ‘window’ and gladly enough, cannot be closed or minimized by any means. This is wonderful news for a patient observer like you. So, please continue watching this space.

In the meanwhile, the human race which, in evolutionary terms, quite recently got an upgrade from their always quibbling, tree jumping cousins, would have found themselves engaged in a major war of some kind. As a non-participant to this frivolous event, you would probably be quite indifferent to the comical sounding sirens around your place.

Suddenly through the little window you have been gazing, somewhere in the distance, you might notice a bellowing angry red mushroom cloud. This might be accompanied by a brilliant bright flash of light. But…

Please, please continue watching this space!

20 Truism for Project Management

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 11:25:02 +0530

Tony Collins has compiled a list of Project Management facts which might very well be the ‘Mythical Man-Month’ for the new era. It explains why so many IT projects fail so aptly that I had to reproduce it here:

Projects with realistic budgets and timetables don’t get approved
Activity in the early stages should be dedicated to finding the correct questions
The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the progress report
A user is somebody who rejects the system because it’s what he asked for
The difference between project success and failure is a good PR company
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it
Every failing, overly ambitious project, has at its heart a series of successful small ones trying to escape
A freeze on change melts whenever heat is applied
There’s never enough time to do it right first time
You understood what I said, not what I meant
If you don’t know where you’re going, just talk about specifics
If at first you don’t succeed, rename the project
Everyone wants a strong project manager - until they get him
Only idiots own up to what they really know (thank you to President Nixon)
The worst project managers sleep at night
A failing project has benefits which are always spoken of in the future tense
Projects don’t fail in the end; they fail at conception
Visions are usually treatable
Overly ambitious projects can never fail if they have a beginning, middle and no end
In government we never punish error, only its disclosure
The most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest
A realist is one who’s presciently disappointed in the future

I am pretty sure most of us can relate to these ;)